Embracing Authenticity: My Journey as a Runner with Epilepsy

Racing my second marathon, my first trail marathon, 1 week before my Ablation procedure. I was the first woman finisher and third place overall!

Running was my strength. I faced many challenges. I couldn't drive, go out alone, or be independent as I always imagined when I reached college. But running was something I could do. I felt powerful when I ran long distances. My sense of self worth was closely tied to my ability to run.

Starting College Amidst Challenges

I began my freshman year of college in the spring of 2022. This came after a long and painful period of trips between my home in Indiana and the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. In the fall before college, I spent several weeks at the clinic, receiving EEGs that led to a Laser Interstitial Thermal Therapy (LITT) Ablation procedure. This procedure reduced the frequency of my seizures and was a blessing right before I started college.

Joining the track team as a freshman, halfway through the year was nerve-wracking. Adding to my anxiety, I had the right side of my head shaved from the procedure. I tried to hide this by flipping my long hair over to the right. But when I ran, tying my hair back meant exposing the shaved area. I was horrified at the thought of letting people see my hair like that. I wanted my first impression to be different. I kept telling myself that this wasn’t the real me. I knew I couldn't let people see this.

The morning following the Ablation procedure.

Leaving Mayo Clinic following the Ablation procedure. My normal for the next two years with my hair flipped over my shaved head and wearing a hat to cover it up.

Hiding a Part of Myself

For two years, I wore a hat at every track or cross-country practice. I pinned my remaining hair over the shaved section into a low ponytail. Sometimes I would braid my hair to keep it out of my face. It became a routine. It was brutal. I hated putting in so much effort to hide a part of myself. But the fear of judgment and ridicule pushed me to continue.

My sister attempted to braid some long hair in with the short hair, once the shaved hair had grown back a bit, to cover it up and keep my hair out of my face at an indoor track meet.

Running gave me a sense of freedom. While racing, I felt confident. I was proud of my speed and endurance. I trusted my body during long distances. I always believed in my ability to finish a marathon successfully. Racing is no easy task. Yet, the doubt crept in during those two years. The confidence I had enjoyed was slipping away.

Running a 16 mile run in an Indiana blizzard while training for my third marathon, which was my first marathon in college my first semester.

Regaining My Identity

From November 2, 2021, to December 11, 2023, I grappled with my sense of self. Before my procedure, I styled my hair in various ways, including two French braids or a high ponytail. After the ablation, every hairstyle I chose aimed to cover my shaved head. I wanted to hide it from the world. Even though no one could see it, I still felt insecure. My confidence as a runner began to falter.

Before the day I cut all of my hair to match the length of the shaved section that had since grown out to the length

After the day I cut all of my hair to match the length of the shaved section that had since grown out to the length.

Just last month, I graduated with a BA in Psychology. During these two years, I learned a valuable lesson: happiness comes to those who are their true and authentic selves. I tried to mask my identity as someone with epilepsy. In doing so, I neglected the runner identity within me—a source of inner strength and peace. Authenticity matters. If the world judges you, that's their issue, not yours. True friends will accept you for who you are, through all highs and lows.

In a message meant for his younger self, YAWE Team member Dorian Capers expressed, “You don't have to have it all figured out to enjoy the life you have. Live and be free without letting the shackles of certainty hold you down.” Sam Moreno, another YAWE Team member, emphasizes the significance of seeking help early in one’s college journey. She advises students to apply for accommodations from the start, rather than waiting. Additionally, joining peer support groups would have been beneficial during her college years.

Be Yourself

Be yourself, and don't hesitate to seek support. It’s perfectly okay not to have every detail of your life figured out. Reflecting on my college experience, I wish I had embraced my identity sooner. If you’re currently in this position, remember to stay true to who you are. Your authenticity is your strength.

Me being me!